I'm sorry if I've worried anyone

Sorry I have been MIA lately. I don't have a wonderful trip in Europe (or anywhere else for that matter) as my excuse. This will be a long post, I'm sorry about that.
My parents have stopped encouraging me to get a job because they don't trust my grandma (who lives with us) home alone anymore for varying reasons, and I gramma-sit very well, in addition to making dinner, cleaning, and tending a garden out of boredom. Still looking for a job, but not very diligently. I can't remember the last time I put in an application, and I can't tell you how much looking at job ads at varying places (I think I'm up to 5 different local and national websites I peruse) have made me want to eat my weight in chocolate.

The library closest to my house sucks, unless you adore murder mysteries. Half of the adult section is murder mysteries, and I'm not including the psychological thrillers with that. The other half is mainly comprised of LDS fiction (the cheesy kind), Romance Novels (can we say an entire stack dedicated to Daniel Steele?), Non fiction, and a few smatterings of sci fi/fantasy(when I say smatterings, I've found two). Needless to say I've been fighting a touch of depression and that makes me anti social because I don't want to tell everyone that my grand plans about after college have fallen through and I'm embarrassed about my life.

On the social front, Elsie and Mandy have already heard about part of this. Mitch, my on again off again for the last 8 years who said we'd get married after I graduated from college is now balking at the idea of moving anywhere I find a job that isn't in the Portland Oregon, or Salem Oregon area. Now he's also saying he doesn't want to get serious until I get a job, and get settled into a job. Just an endless fount of excuses. Then to add more complications there's this friend of mine from high school that we've been on 4 or 5 dates in the 4 last year. I was texting him the other day to get a guy's perspective on an argument Mitch and I were having and he wrote "What is it going to take for us to be together? I'm tired of games and I think you are too. You're the one I want in my life. You are one of my best friends and there is no one I'd rather be with." Which for me was out of left field because after our last date we had agreed (or at least I thought we had agreed) that because we live 5 hours apart we could only be friends and we are too good of friends to risk losing that.
Now its a different story. Now because we haven't really dated he wants me to spend a week in Boise (at his apartment I might add) going on real dates, him sleeping on the sofa and me in his bed until I want him in the bed with him. Yes, he is that cocky, it's part of his endearing charm if you believe it. If after a week we decide that we could get married and live happily ever after he wants to get engaged, and being engaged means I move in with him, and then 6-9 months later we get married and 9-12 months after that we start trying to have little red-haired babies. (My dad was born with red hair before it turned brown, my nephew has red hair, and James has red hair so the red haired kids would be a good chance.) Now I have a little voice inside my head that has been freaking out about this. Even while I've been typing this its been screaming, not so much that I can't think straight but loud enough that its distracting. The first text was on July 3rd and the other information, like his envisioned time table has come since then.
Needless to say, I've had a lot on my mind. I'm averaging talking to Mitch on the phone every other day (this is down from the 6-7 days a week before I graduated and he changed his rules again), James and I text or talk about that often now, which is weird to me since we've never had a talk on the phone type of relationship. We've been much more, a string of several e-mails over a few days, then nothing for months, followed by a date once a year in August.
My mom has made several ... hinting sort of comments basically trying to devise ways of convincing Mitch to marry me but sometimes it comes accross as a little desperate. I don't want to beg/force a guy into marrying me. I'd rather be single.
Since James and I are friends I've known about most of his girlfriends. There's some concerns there. How he was engaged to my best friend for a week before they both freaked out and broke it off. How this one girl he loved two years after he broke up with her, he wanted to reconnect with and contemplated trying to break her up with her current by presenting her with a diamond. Or about the girl he dated last year, who moved in with him, cheated on him (twice), left him for the bouncer at her strip club, then dumped the bouncer once she got pregnant and he actually offered to marry her, and was willing to bring up another man's child. Part of me just wonders if he wants to get married to get out of the rat race and I'm the only single girl who has been half-way civil to him recently.

Basically this whole mess has made me want to drop them both and start fresh. I actually went so far as to sign up for an online service when I was feeling really embittered. The first two men who looked at my profile were older than my dad. Until the average age of men who look at my profile get below 35 I'm not gonna get optimistic. Its down from 47 to 39 right now. Oh, and to add some icing to my pity party cake, one of my friends from high school who is two years younger than me, the one who got me into dying my hair funny colors, and acting wild and crazy, just got engaged this last week. To a guy who is a complete computer geek, who is completely devoted to her crazy-wackiness and has the potential to make them both very rich. I tried to be happy for her, but jealous, embittered rage followed by an intense desire to cry was the initial reaction.